I am amazed by how many things I’ve done today.
I woke up at 9, had coffee and breakfast in bed(oat crackers with rasberry jam, apricots and peaches) while reading A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. At around 11 I coloured my hair (I only do root touch up in my natural colour so no need for a hairdresser appointment), had a long shower and read some more. Later on I fixed myself a salad for lunch, read some more and cleaned up my room. Did the dishes and a load of laundry, changed my bed sheets, finished something I was supposed to finish on Tuesday, did my hair, read some more, had more peaches and a cup of tea, did another load of laundry. I didn’t do grocery shopping, hence no dinner for me. A glass of milk will do.
Big deal, you might say. People do these things and more every single day and don’t brag about it on blogs. Believe me, I know, it’s just I have been in a sort of self destructive stage the past month and yesterday I decided I should get out of it unless I want to go back to depression. I’ve been there too many times and it’s no fun.
I was off from work in August and what started as relaxation ended up being a sort of slow suicide. Mind you, I didn’t eat properly, I didn’t drink enough water and I over slept every single day. The result: no energy, exhaustion, white paper face and anxiety.
I had a therapy session yesterday and my assessment was the worse ever. The therapist started digging for the reasons which came out eventually. I knew I was not in a good place, this lasts for a few months already. The whole situation is beyond my control, I am a victim of other people’s choices (story of my life, always trapped in someone’s mess) so at an unconscious level I retorted to my ugly reality: oversleeping to face less of it, starving myself to feel I have control over something.
I know exactly what I need to function properly: a coffee a day, veggies and fruits, meat or fish, lots of water, exercise and a good sleep, no longer than 9 hours (I can sleep 10 to 12 but I feel horrible afterwards). I didn’t do any of this in August or I did some but not much and always without enthusiasm and I am ashamed of myself.
My resolution for this autumn is to be out of people’s mess so that I can make my own. I am so careful with my life and my choices that I basically have no major problems with what is under my control: I love my nanny job and the family I work for, at school I am doing great, beyond all my expectations, the friends I’ve made in London are all nice and decent, my writing is going well, my English is improving thanks to all the books I keep reading etc. My only problems are other people’s problems and I must put an end to this, no matter the price.
So, Christmas will find me in a new apartment and it will be jolly, with no one getting in my business, snapping at me, criticizing every move I make or don’t make, barking at me for daring to have reactions or opinions. At the end of the day is each for their own, right?