You probably think you know how to have sex but believe me, after you browse Cosmo for 30 seconds you will be ashamed of yourselves.
Valentine’s Day is the special day that is supposed to celebrate love but in fact it celebrates sex and dramatically increases the sales in roses, teddy bears, chocolates, plush hearts and yeah, condoms.
Roses will die by tomorrow morning forgotten somewhere on the way from the front door to the bedroom, teddy bears will decorate the sofas for a while, chocolates will be very handy at the next PMS and everyone but everyone will make the best out of their condoms.
Just for you, I did some research while having breakfast and put together a list of sex tips to use for an unforgettable night. The things I do for you, people!
Make sure you make him a yogurt dinner for Valentine’s Day, if you like big testicles. I am sorry for you if you like them really really big, you should have put him on a yogurt diet weeks ago but how could you have known? The most important thing is you can put him on a diet now for the next year and boy, you will have some balls to play with!
Of course you must cook the yogurt dinner topless! Don’t you usually do that and put whatever you cook on your nipples so that he can taste??? No? What kind of a woman are you, geez!!! Anyway, instead of the tomato sauce, use the yogurt. It was not yet scientifically proven on lady mice if it has the same effect on boobs as on testicles, but hope is the last to die, right?
Now that you, guys, finished the yogurt dinner and his testicles are big enough, leave the table and start doing yoga, to get him in the mood. Pray it won’t take him that long, we all know it’s been a long day and you would rather play ball instead of doing yoga…
4. While you are aligning your chackras keep an eye on his hands. If he is scratching his balls (big balls, thank to the yogurt) or touching his belt, that’s it, jump him right there, right then, because he is ready to be taken, to be fucked stupid by you, his Valentine.
5. Ok, give him five seconds to see if he comes up with this idea by himself. I bet he probably won’t, men are not very sex smart, you know…That’s ok, we can always teach him. So, when you see he doesn’t think of blindfolding himself, you take the lead and do it. Now you can act like you are Miss Universe, as he can’t see your big butt and cellulitis and whatever other imperfections you might think you have. Between you and I, when in the act of fornicating, men can barely notice any details but why take the risk?
Ok, after all that yogurt and a yoga session, you must be very hungry. This move requires a bit of prep, you probably need to do some measurements in order the buy the right donut. Or maybe you need to make your own donut? Are you that lucky? Anyway, I digress. So, stick his penis through the hole and remember, you blindfolded him, so wolf it down, girl, he can’t see you are eating like a pig! Not enough? Grab another donut. And so on, until you are full. Best sex ever, right? I know! And you did it for him! You are so generous, you will absolutely go to heaven in all religions.
I am sure you are multitasking so while you are working on your donuts, you can find a second to give him a facial. Pour a can of beer over his face and when he asks: what a fuck, woman? you simply say you love the taste of a beer face. But say it erotically! He doesn’t have to know this will make his face look like a baby bottom, no man wants to look like a baby bottom, trust me.
You are pretty sure you didn’t eat all those donuts and some chunks of them are hiding somewhere under those big testicles you grew with yogurt. But no big testicle stays between you and your donut so start digging, girl! Dice around those balls, looking for leftovers, he will love it, according to Cosmo. And again, he doesn’t have to know why you are doing it. What really matters is that you are doing it!
Ok, you had your donuts, you gave him a facial, it’s time for the real thing already, don’t you think so? So give a treat to his penis. Grab it, squeeze it as hard as you can, try to see if you can literally rip it off, he would love it! Bite it, strangle it, pull it, dynamite it, the worse you can do, the better. He will never forget you!
Is the penis still there? Good! Now it’s time to slap that bitch. Hold it still and slap it, damn it! Harder, girl! Don’t make the mistake of being too gentle, says Cosmo! We must listen to Cosmo, we must, we must, we must!
He is probably about to climax any second now. In order to multiply his orgasm with one zillion, grab your pepper spray and spray him under his nose (or all over the face, it’s even better). What he will feel, he won’t be ever able to describe. You will leave him speechless and luckily not blind, thank to the scarf you covered his eyes with earlier.
Barry White is old news in terms of love making! In these times of recession people live with flat mates or, even worse, with parents. So play a horror movie in the background while having sex, this way the faulks living in your house will think your screams of pleasure come from the horror movie (WTF Cosmo?) Pray they won’t believe the screams from the movie come from your bed and call the emergency number because you will have a lot of explaining to do with the giant testicles covered in chocolate and donut crumbles, the bruised penis barely hanging in there, the beer and the pepper spray on his face…
Other than that, I wish you all a happy Valentine’s day and a safe love making tonight 🙂