On my way home today, I was thinking we are having a very long autumn. I don’t remember last time we had such a long autumn. The last years we had like plus one zillion degrees till one point in September, then a few days of chilly, rainy, crappy weather, then minus one zillion degrees until like February, then a bit of chilly weather then plus one zillion degrees again and so on. This year we had few very cold days but other than that, the weather has been very mild. It actually feels like autumn. I should have let my friend from Minsk visit, really. I got scared of the cold days, so I had to postpone her visit because traveling around Romania in cold is not fun, as the heat in trains and railway stations is not always a must. Plus, I am out of vacation days. I have traveled compulsively this year, it was a side effect of my depression.
Speaking of traveling, I have just found out that on my second day in Berlin I am invited to an after-Christmas party or something. I don’t really care about the theme, I mean…it is a party in Berlin with my dear friend Franziska. So, whatever the theme, I will have sooo muuuch fun! I can’t wait for this trip, it is the very highlight of this year. I am starting to think this year hasn’t been that bad, after all. Thinking like that, is a sign my depression is going away. When I am fine, I only see life in bright colors. Probably this is a sign of insanity: with me, life is either dark or bright, I know no shades of grey when it comes to life. I might be mentally unstable, who knows? Maybe I am bi-polar…I don’t even dare to google this, every time I google symptoms, I conclude it is is a miracle I am still alive.
Today I was too lazy to go buy lunch so I lived on some grapes, one apple, coffee, water and green tea from 7 am till 5 pm. I am surprised I didn’t faint. I studied French, I wrote for NaNoWriMo and I also wrote this, not in this particular order.
I must confess something. Writing this novel is probably the most meaningful thing I did for myself, ever. My mind has always been a complete chaos, that is why it took me almost one year to organize my ideas for the novel, that is why I started writing it at least ten times in the past months.
It seems I have been a very confused woman my entire life and I had to work on this novel to become aware of this confusion and do something about it. Trying to give a shape to this story made me think of so many aspects of my life, made me take a closer look to details, urged me try to find explanations for things I did and for things that happened to me, urged me to solve pending issues.
Most of my past is clear now, it is like I washed some very dirty windows that didn’t let me see the light. The cleared past gives a different look to the present and the weirdest thing of all, it doesn’t make me think of the future that much. It makes me embrace the present and I have never felt like this before. I have always chased the future. I have always been the kind of person that gives up on today for the sake of tomorrow. Probably I am wrong, but I feel like planning this novel helped me get over my depression.
I don’t need this novel to be a bestseller. I don’t even need it to be in the libraries. This novel is already changing my life for the better. See? This is me, enjoying the present. God, this feels so good I get angry I didn’t figure it out before. But maybe there is a right time for everything in life. Nothing happens too early or too late, everything happens on time. Does it?
Ok, I go back to writing. My muses must be on drugs or something, they won’t let me go today. Byeeee!